The Proverbs 31 Woman Isn’t a Trad Wife – And That’s the Point

You’ve seen them on your feed. The soft-focus videos of women in linen dresses, kneading sourdough in sun-drenched kitchens. The captions about “gentle femininity” and “letting him lead.” The promise of peace through submission, purpose through simplicity, godliness through staying small.

Trad wife culture is everywhere right now, and it’s selling a specific vision: that biblical womanhood means financial dependence, domestic-only focus, and making yourself smaller so your husband can feel bigger. They’ll tell you this is what Proverbs 31 looks like – the ultimate model of godly femininity.

But here’s the problem: The Proverbs 31 woman would never qualify as a trad wife.

And I would know. Because I lived the extreme version of what trad wife culture gently promotes, and it nearly destroyed me.

What Trad Wife Culture Actually Teaches

Let’s be clear about what we’re talking about. Trad wife ideology isn’t just about baking bread or wearing dresses. At its core, it teaches:

• Financial dependence – Your husband provides; you consume
• Domestic sphere only – Your world ends at your front door
• Submission as identity – Your primary calling is to defer, support, and follow
• Gifts as threats – Your ambitions and capabilities disrupt God’s design for marriage
• Smallness as virtue – The quieter, softer, and less you are, the more godly

It’s wrapped in beautiful aesthetics—the cottagecore lifestyle, the homemade everything, the “soft life.” But beneath the linen and the loaves is an ideology that says: Women are meant to stay small.

I was raised in a cult that taught this explicitly. Women were byproducts of men, created to serve them. My thoughts didn’t matter. Dreams were selfish. My gifts were rebellion. When I tried to use the abilities God gave me, I was told I was stepping out of line. My world shrank until there was almost nothing left of me.

It wasn’t a partnership. It was erasure.

And here’s what terrifies me about trad wife culture: it’s the same foundation, just with better lighting and a more palatable marketing strategy.

The Trad Wife Influencer Paradox

Here’s what makes this even more complicated: Most of the women selling trad wife ideology aren’t actually living it.

The influencers with hundreds of thousands of followers, the ones posting perfectly curated content about submissive femininity and domestic bliss? They’re running businesses and negotiating brand deals. They’re managing content strategies, building audiences, and generating significant income—often more than their husbands earn.

Think about what they’re actually doing:

• Creating daily content (that’s a job)
• Managing sponsorships and partnerships (that’s entrepreneurship)
• Building a personal brand (that’s marketing)
• Generating independent income (that’s financial autonomy)
• Being known publicly for their work (that’s a career)

They’re doing exactly what the Proverbs 31 woman did—running businesses, making money, building a public reputation.

But they’re packaging it as “I’m just a wife and mother sharing our simple life,” while telling YOU that you need to be financially dependent, domestically focused, and small.

The cognitive dissonance is staggering.

They’re selling you an aesthetic of dependence while building empires of independence. They’re monetising the fantasy of women staying home and out of the marketplace—from inside the marketplace.

And here’s the really insidious part: Their followers are the ones actually living the ideology these influencers only perform.

The influencer is making six figures from sponsorships, affiliate links, and digital products. She has financial power, business autonomy, and public influence.

Her follower quits her job, becomes financially dependent on her husband, and shrinks her world to her home – actually living out the “trad wife” ideology while the influencer profits from selling it.

Who has the power in that equation?

It’s not the woman who gave up her income and her independence. It’s the woman who kept both while telling others to give them up.

If traditional wife ideology is truly biblical, if financial dependence and domestic-only focus is really God’s design for women, then why aren’t these influencers living it themselves? Why are they building businesses, making money, and creating public platforms?

Because deep down, they know what Proverbs 31 shows us: Women can be capable, entrepreneurial, and financially independent—and it doesn’t threaten God’s design or healthy marriage.

They’re just not willing to admit that to you. Because if they did, you might stop buying what they’re selling.

Ask yourself: Would your favourite trad wife influencer follow her own advice? Would she give up her platform, her income, her business, her public influence – and actually become financially dependent and domestically isolated? Or is she only willing to promote that life for you?

What the Proverbs 31 Woman Actually Does

Now, let’s look at the woman that the traditional wife culture claims to emulate. Not the Christianese summary we’ve been taught, but what the text actually says:

Trad wife ideology says: Be financially dependent on your husband.
Proverbs 31 says: “She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.” (v. 16)

She’s making independent financial decisions. She’s investing. She has her own earnings.

Trad wife ideology says: Stay in the domestic sphere.
Proverbs 31 says: “She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.” (v. 24)

She’s running multiple businesses and engaging with the marketplace. She’s known beyond her household.

Trad wife ideology says: Submission is your identity.
Proverbs 31 says: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” (v. 26)

She’s a teacher. She’s an authority. People come to her for guidance.

Trad wife ideology says: Be soft, quiet, ornamental.
Proverbs 31 says: “She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (v. 17)

She’s formidable. She’s capable. And built for impact, not decoration.

Traditional wife ideology says: Your husband is your authority.
Proverbs 31 says: Her husband trusts her judgment (v. 11). He’s respected in the community partly because of her reputation (v. 23). And his response to her? “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (v. 29)

He doesn’t control her. He celebrates her.

Here’s the reality: If the Proverbs 31 woman showed up in trad wife spaces today, she’d be called too independent, too ambitious, too much. They’d tell her she’s threatening her husband’s leadership. They’d say she needs to scale back, simplify, and focus on her home.

But the text celebrates every bit of her capability, her autonomy, her strength.

She’s a Warrior, Not a Servant

The Hebrew term for this woman is eshet chayil—woman of valour, woman of strength.

This isn’t “nice Christian housewife” language. This is battlefield language. It’s the exact phrase used for mighty warriors throughout the Hebrew Bible. When it’s applied to this woman, it’s not saying “she’s good at folding laundry.” It’s saying she’s a force.

Ruth is called an eshet chayil. This woman in Proverbs 31 is called an eshet chayil. It’s about character, capability, strength, and impact.

God doesn’t create byproducts. He creates warriors.

And yet trad wife culture wants to convince you that being a warrior woman means you’re stepping outside God’s design. That your strength is a problem. That you need to be gentle and dependent to be godly.

That’s not biblical. That’s control dressed up as theology.

I’m Not Attacking Homemaking – I’m Attacking the Cage

Let me be very clear about something, because this is where people get confused:

• The problem isn’t the sourdough.
• The problem isn’t choosing to focus on your home.
• The problem isn’t caring deeply for your family.

The problem is the ideology that says those things require you to limit yourself. To stay financially dependent. Give up your gifts. And make yourself small.

The Proverbs 31 woman proves you don’t have to choose:

• She makes food for her household (v. 15) – AND runs businesses
• She provides clothing for her family (v. 21) – AND sells to merchants
• She manages her home well (v. 27) – AND makes real estate investments
• She cares deeply for her family – AND is known publicly for her own work

She does the “homemaking” – but from a position of strength, not subordination.

• You can nurture your family AND develop your capabilities.
• You can create a beautiful home AND build something beyond it.
• You can be an excellent homemaker AND so much more.

The “and” is biblical. The “only” is the cage.

Don’t mistake the aesthetic for the calling. Don’t let anyone tell you your gifts are too big, your dreams are too much, or your strength is a threat.

What Real Partnership Actually Looks Like

Some of you are thinking: “But what about Ephesians 5? What about submission?”

Here’s what trad wife culture won’t tell you: Ephesians 5 starts with mutual submission (v. 21). The whole passage is about a relationship in which both people honour, serve, and sacrifice for each other. Husbands are called to love their wives the way Christ loved the church—giving up everything, holding nothing back.

That’s not “husband rules, wife obeys.” That’s profound mutual devotion.

And look at how the Proverbs 31 husband responds to his capable wife: He trusts her. He praises her publicly. He doesn’t feel threatened by her excellence—he’s proud of it.

That’s the test of a healthy partnership: Does this relationship make you more yourself or less? Does it expand your world or shrink it?

A secure man doesn’t need you to be dependent to feel needed. A godly man doesn’t require you to be small to feel big. The right partner says, “You surpass them all”—not “You need to stay in your place.”

When I left my abusive marriage and the cult that enabled it, I had to relearn everything. I had to discover that my voice mattered. That my gifts weren’t rebellion. That God didn’t make me to disappear into someone else’s life.

If I marry again, it will be to someone who sees my strength and says, “Yes, more of that.” Someone who wants me to use every gift God gave me. Someone secure enough that my competence doesn’t threaten him.

Because that’s what the Proverbs 31 husband did, and if we’re going to claim that passage as our model, we need to read all of it – not just the parts that keep women manageable.

The Question You Need to Ask

If you’re drawn to trad wife content, ask yourself: What am I really longing for?

Is it security? Purpose? Simplicity? An escape from hustle culture and the pressure to do it all?

Those longings are valid. I understand them. The world is exhausting, and the promise of a clearly defined role, a peaceful home, and a simpler life—that’s genuinely appealing.

But trad wife ideology is offering you a cage and calling it a cottage.

Absolute security doesn’t come from financial dependence—it comes from capability and partnership.
The real purpose isn’t found in shrinking—it’s found in using your gifts entirely.
Real peace isn’t about performing submission – it’s about being fully known and fully loved for who you actually are.

And here’s the harder question: Is this really your choice?

Choice is only meaningful when you could have chosen otherwise. When your church, your community, and your husband would support you in using your gifts differently. When staying small isn’t presented as God’s only design for women, when your worth doesn’t depend on performing this role perfectly.

Ask yourself: Are you choosing this? Or is this the only option you’ve been given that won’t cost you everything?

What I Want for You

I want you to know that biblical womanhood doesn’t require you to be less.

I want you to develop your gifts without guilt. To build something with your hands and your mind. Speak with wisdom and be heard. To be financially capable and intellectually engaged. I want you to care for your family AND care for yourself—your dreams, your growth, your calling.

I’m not married right now. I’m rebuilding and learning what it means to be whole on my own – to use my gifts, to trust my voice, to stop apologising for taking up space. And if partnership comes again, it will be with someone who celebrates my strength, not someone who needs me to be weak to feel strong.

That’s what I want for you, too— whether you’re single, married, divorced, or anywhere in between. To know your worth isn’t tied to a relationship status or a role. To understand that God made you capable and strong for a reason.

God doesn’t create byproducts. He creates warriors.

The Proverbs 31 woman was mighty, capable, honoured, and free to use her full gifts – and her marriage didn’t just survive; it thrived because of it. But before she was a wife, she was an eshet chayil. Her valour wasn’t dependent on her marital status. Her strength was who she was.

Stop performing smallness and apologising for your competence. Stop letting anyone – influencer, pastor, or partner – tell you that your gifts threaten God’s design.

You were made for more than the cage.

Be the eshet chayil God created you to be – right now, exactly where you are.

What now?

If this resonated with you, ask yourself:

1. What gift have I been told to hide? What would it look like to start developing it?
2. If I’m in a relationship: Does my partner celebrate my growth or feel threatened by it?
3. What would my life look like if I stopped trying to be smaller and started building from my strength?

You don’t have to have all the answers. You have to take the first step.